Day 5 in The Story I call My Life

In the time everyone was living in florida I had had T on October 31 1996 with D not there again, Emergency C-section. He was born at 11:29 and had a cleft lip and palate. I had no clue what this was and thought my world was ending. I believe this was the start of the end of my marriage. When my husband was telling his mother about our son and describes him as not normal that did it for me. He changed after T was born. There was no help. We came home from the hospital after 3 days. I came in to a house that was a fucking disaster. Here I am 3 days after surgery cleaning and doing everything, I payed for it later that evening. Then came all the being overwhelmed. We had an appointment with a childrens hospital in the next state to meet a cleft team. So many questions. My head was swimming. Just the genetics counselor scared the crap out of me, then meeting the whole team, so many specialist so much to take in. Doctor’s appointments  and surgeries were like a burden on D. So again I’m at this alone. But that’s ok cause I got me one great looking kid from it. He had his problems from the beginning we were warned it started  with learning to do simple stuff. Holding blocks stuff like that. Getting him to learn where to position his tongue when eating and trying to talk.  He started going to a school named arc very early just to get a jump one these things. I feel that  without that school I don’t think we would be where we are today with him. They worked with him on his speech, fine motor everything. He did things late, but he had his own milestones. Just to have him and watching him grow and learn was something I can never express enough joy and pleasure about. he had his first of many, many surgeries at 7 weeks. Another at 8 months because he could not eat food the proper way. After the first 2 it just seemed like thats all we did, between surgeries and physical therapy. So at this point I am 19 and have 2 kids not the life I thought I would have but it’s my life. There is lots of arguing going on but we are working on it. Mom is still in Florida and still trying to butt in but it’s not happening  We decide to move to Wood River after everything, moving was a good option at this point.. We were buying a house, life seems as though it is  turning around. I have started working at dairy queen at the mall. D  has a job things are looking up. Buying a house, we  went and got a new car. Bills are being paid on time and were not struggling. It’s great. My kids are doing good. It looks as though this move was the right way to go. I should have known Karma was going to come back for my ass!!


Day 4 of The Story I Call My Life

So after several days I’m back. Going to try to get caught up on my days since I’m a couple behind…….

We moved from east Alton to Edwardsville. Things were good we had a son,I  was having a decent relationship with my mom. Then my dad shows up one day and needs a place to stay. I by all things bad say yes. This cause lots of argument between me and D. Dad loved A and thinks he’s the best. Mom and R do as well at the moment. Off and on we have an ok relationship. It just depends on the mood and if they think I have done something wrong even though I no longer live with them. I have tried to let things go tried to move on this turns out to be a slap back to reality every time. One day out of the blue my mom shows up and says I would like to take you to lunch I’m like ok, well on our lunch trip she decides to tell me that she is leaving R and is going to take my dad with her. I am shocked, confused and really speechless at that moment.  Needless to say I’m blown away. She goes back to my house after talking out the whole plans, informs me that she knows its going to be hard but she knows I can handle it. Then she goes back and talks to my dad. Hes all in( I believe secretly they still wanted to be together but it will never work). So the day comes, shes at my house at 8am. They load his stuff, I cry because I am once again saying goodbye to both my parents once again.They leave and do move to Florida. Well after they leaveR shows up wanting to know where mom is. I don’t tell him but after a few months he finds out. In those few months R has a nervous breakdown among other things. Once he finds out where she is Then I’m the bad one once again. I have no clue that mom and dad didn’t stay together long once they got to Florida. She has her stories they may or may not be true. Mom and R show up at my door after about a month and tell me they worked things out there moving together in Florida.  Whatever at least I’m not dealing with them, they lived in Florida. They send cards and talk to me on the phone. For whatever reason I was a good child some days and others I was a piece of dirt under their shoes. I guess it just depends on if they got off the right side of the bed that day. Mom and R lived in florida  from the time A was about 1 until he was 6. I too thought my dad lived there but never really knew. I found out later, things did not happen as I had thought.

Day 3 of The Story I Call My Life.

Welcome to day three of the story of what I call my life. Today I pick up where I left off….I just went day by day till one day I came home from school and no mom. I said where’s mom and R said she left. R Said she couldn’t take any more of the fighting because me and him couldn’t get along. R said your mother Said for you to  just live here. I died inside knowing my mother just walked out and left me with this man. But unknown to me this was a good thing. We went out to the friend house that I had been babysitting for. They were all drinking and CH and Re found out what was going on. Re pulled me into the living room and said we know where you dad is and he wants you. Your mom and R have been keeping him from you. Re said do you want to live with your dad? I said yes. Re said you won’t be going home with R. I said that will never happen he will make me. She told me just let me handle it. It got time to leave and R said get ready we’re leaving! Re stepped up and said no she’s not leaving. They started arguing and Ch got in the middle I didn’t know it but they had already made a call to my dad and he was trying to get there. R and Re ended up in a fist fight. Let me just say that woman could fight. The police showed up and R went to jail even after screaming you will be going home you’re not living with your dad. Ch and Re were on the phone giving step by step directions on how to get there. My dad got there at 1:30 am he had to wait till he got off work. When he walked in I had relief. I went with him and A. I did not sleep that night the  next day he took me to a woman he said I could call my aunt. She was warm and sweat. She got me to talk. She held me while I cried. And just let it all come out from over the years. I felt so much better it was like relief had just happened. Unknown to me she told my dad everything. He questioned me I did not lie, he had to know. Another unknown to me Mom and R went to the bar a week later to tell dad they were taking me back. R received an ambulance ride to the hospital and was released 3 days later.

My dad was a bouncer at a bar in Wood River. I had no clue but nothing good ever happened there and lots of drugs were going on. We lived across the alley from the bar in the basement apartment. I would go over in the mornings or during the day and help clean or just to grab something to eat. Those people became my family. They were my aunts and uncles. They would stop by to check on me. Ask how I was when they see me. I finally had peace I thought. Dad still worked at the bar but we moved to East Alton known as the defense area, basically the  poor area. I grew up quick. I got into fights. Went to school but wasn’t doing well. He tried to be dad but there were too many drugs involved. I had to much alone time as a 14 yr. old. I got in trouble. I was promiscuous. Dad had his own life I had mine. He would ground me but then let it go early. So I went from one thing to another. I now know one was not any better than the other. Dad got in a little trouble with his dealer so I had to go find somewhere to stay for the weekend. When I got back there were some bullet holes in the windows. That was the beginning of steps in my life I can never change,but never want any of my children to go through.

I had basically given up on school I’m 16 yrs. old, No school, job, and just nothing good going on. Dad has made the decision he’s done, he can’t deal with me anymore. so here I am several years before, with mom saying the same thing. So after all am I the problem? I have to be, I’m the one that nobody wants. So his decision after everything is to drop me off at my mother’s driveway, which I have no spoken with since that last night. Thankfully she was not home I waited till he was gone and I walked away. I got a hold of my boyfriend at the time and moved in with him and his family  that night. We lived with his parents for a year. He was older than me but I didn’t care at the time I was a stupid teenager that thought I knew everything that was to know about life. In that year., I became pregnant. I wouldn’t go to the doctor,I said they only want money. Finally I did when I was six months pregnant. Everything was ok with the baby and I. They ran so many test in one day I thought something was wrong. In all it was just all the test that had not been done throughout when they needed to be done. We moved to a one bedroom house I sucked at being a house mom.It was not all I had thought it to be. we were broke, living and getting by how we could.I always wanted better, but I feel those moments made me grow.I found out we were having a little boy. I became very clumsy, to the point I could trip over air if you can believe that. The down side its not an amazing thing to fall while so pregnant. D worked to support us as best as he could. We fought and argued a lot. I have no family that I talk too. I was considered the evil bitch to his side. So very lonely it was. Not idea but its what I dealt with. I became sick and did not want to contact the DR. because I hated him but, On February 21 1995 I was so sick. I had to go see my dr. he sent me to the hospital immediately. I was so scared I thought there was something wrong with my son. They took me in a room hooked me up to 4 IV”S and wires and monitors and told me to just relax take in the fluids and they would call my dr to come talk to me. I was frightened but sick all at the same time. I went back to sleep for a couple hours while at the hospital. When I woke up I could have sworn my insides were being ripped from me. I had no clue, but guess who was in labor, YEP thats right me. had been since I walked into the hospital. They were just trying to get me rehydrated before the situation turned bad, and because I was so dehydrated that is why I had not felt any of the contractions. The nurse later told me they later suspected I had been in labor for about 24 hrs.I had the flu. I was dilated to a five when we went in, and because I’m so lucky my dr had decided to leave out of town because he thought I would be ok once I recieved some fluids.So no dr.  I recieved a sub DR but he was so nice. he would come check on me sit and answer any questions I had. He did not make me feel like I was taking up to much of his time like my Dr had a wonderful habit of doing.As I lay there feeling like I would die at any moment, My mother walked in. The reason after I found out I was pregnant I went by had lunch with her and told her. We finally could have a relationship I thought. Let the past go. So here are D and my mother while I’m dying. My mother had talked me into a natural child birth. At 17, I had no clue so when the nurses came in with the paperwork I signed it to refuse all drugs. NEVER AGAIN!!! They both slept all night while I was in pain the dr had been in and said he would be back in the morning at 6. That clock moved so slowly. 6am is finally here but still no baby and lots of pain. He tells me if nothing new by 7 I will break your water. One hr. I’m not sure what I thought was going to happen in that hr. or where I thought better was coming  at 7 but I wanted 7 to get there. It did and then I no longer wanted 7am. He broke my water. I was still at a five. Mom says I’m going home to take a shower I will be back. Dr says I have been here all night I’m running home. I’ll be back in plenty of time. LIES all lies. D decides he’s going home as well for a shower. Like no one could have thought of this before my water was broken. 7:15 the deed is done. I am feeling a little better but here comes the pain. I am going at this alone. No mom, No D, not even the dang dr. Ok let me say I did have some very understanding nurses that were very helpfull even when I begged for drugs. One nurse even dedicated herself to my side as I cried from all the pain. She held my hair back as I got sick, fed me ice and calmed me as death fastly approach I thought. The dr calls in and the nurse advises him if you don’t drive fast you’re not going to make it. He got there in the nick of time, just as the nurse almost delivers him. At 8:59 am on February 22 1995 I had a baby A M D D. I was so happy to see a health baby boy. 7LBS 7OZ 21inches long. Every one showed up after the birth, D, MOM, his family. D went home that night so I had the whole night to me and A. It was the start to a lifetime commetment that no matter how much I should have waited to have a child I never would change it. This little human, that little boy would bring so many memories (good and bad) tears of joy, tears of anger and hurt. He was a life changer and something I needed. OK everyone that is the end to day 3. Their has been some tears along these 3 days. As always not looking for pitty or sympathy. Just looking at letting this all out and starting some healing.

Day 2, The Story I Call My Life.

Ok guys after reading yesterday’s jumbled mess I wanted to back step a little and give a few more details to what I call my life.I want to go back to the moment mom and R started dating and go from their. I’m sorry for the backtracking but feel it will make this life of mine a little more clear. Here it goes.So know we move forward I’m nine and mom starts dating a man we will call R (only because for some reason I’m still not evil). Mom and Rr started dating and things were going well. Then R stated staying more and more over at the house until before you know it he was moved in. A couple of weeks after he moved in that is when I learned the truth about C.  Dad was not happy that some other man had moved in so while I was in school he went over with cops and moved C out. She had no grounds to stand. He just took him like he was property not a child or his son. No he took him because he knew that was a way to hurt my mother. I was crushed not only by my father to do that but to learn he was not my real brother. Then I was mad at my mother for moving R in. Then I was mad at R for even being in our lives. This was R’S fault. There was no changing my mind on that. It took time to get over that, but unknown to me my whole life was getting ready to go to hell. I was in fourth grade and came home to find out we were moving. And not like moving like normal people. Our stuff was already moved. Evidently my mom had not been paying rent so R took and got us a place to live from a friend of his that owned a home and let us move in. The only catch was the other peoples belongings were still there. They were evicted but all their stuff was still there. They finally got it all out after about 2 weeks. By this time mom had a new job but still worked midnights. R was not working he worked construction and there was no work at the time. I had moved from a neighborhood full of kids to the middle of know where. We had moved to Woodburn IL. We moved in during the summer so I still do not understand how there was no work but anyway. R and I did not get along. I didn’t feel he could tell me what to do he was not my dad. He felt he was master punisher for everything. I can still remember him grabbing me setting me up on the dryer looking me straight into my eyes and telling me I don’t like you. I never have and I will win. Your mother will not believe anything you tell her. I said that would never happen god was I ever so wrong.

He liked to drink and not work. Being the real winner he was mom loved him and there was no changing that. I was punished for everything. Bad grades, something left on my floor, gave the wrong look that day, forgot to dust, vacuum, do dishes, put them away, and didn’t take out the trash well that was grounds for a beating. Slap in the head whatever he felt right. I went to Bunker Hill schools. I hated my life. I can remember getting bad grades that was grounds for not being able to ride the bus home and walking from Bunker Hill schools to Woodburn all in a hr. and half. If not that was another ass whipping with a belt. Those happened often. I guess all those times I didn’t get punished like C karma had come to haunt me. I know you wonder why you didn’t say something to your mother. I did she acted like it wasn’t that bad or if I didn’t do something wrong it wouldn’t happen. So you ask why I didn’t tell school. I did they sent out a dcfs worker and they convinced her it was all me I was making it up there was no help. That little stunt as he called it caused me to get one hell of an ass whipping.

I thought of suicide but just couldn’t I tried but would always back out in the end. Well not even a year at that place and we were moving. Had lights turned off so many times it wasn’t funny. They even did me a favor and had them turned on in my name so that way when I got older I had to deal with it. But that’s a latter story. Our second move was too southern IL all the same just different place. Except this time my grandfather and my great uncle came to visit (mom’s side). It was great one of the great times. Guess R didn’t want them to know the truth. But then one morning I wake up to my mom crying and an ambulance on the way. It was my grandfather he had had a heart attack. They sent me to school but not long after came and got me. I have no clue how these people can move so quick but the car and truck was packed we were moving back. My grandfather had died and left my mom his home. They didn’t waste any time. There was fighting my mom has 13 living brothers and sister and they thought they were entitled to everything even though my grandfather owned nothing. He was a low income drunk, had always been. Needless to say this was our new place to live and unfortunately was a corn field away from the other place in Woodburn, So same hell different place. I’m in sixth grade by the time we move back. I fail 6th grade. That was beyond words on how to describe. Let’s just say I have a 6th grade picture with a black eye. Christmas’s sucked there was no money and if there was I had always did something wrong to not get something. Birthdays were the same I once got a original Nintendo I was so excited. Not for long I didn’t dust the house so that was grounds to take it back and me get nothing. I hated life. My father still was not around. I was just stuck.

I didn’t see family nothing. The only family I did see was R’s brother. I loved him truly loved him. I had always wish mom would had met him instead. He was my get way, my savior. I loved spending time with them. He would defend me if I was about to get into trouble when we were at their house. I knew I was safe there. So hell is still going on. Moms working like always and I’m doing homework or acting like it I didn’t even try. After so long of being called stupid, dumb and so on there was no use. I gave up long ago. I was just trying to survive. Then I thought here is my moment. A storm was brewing and they had tornado warnings out. I prayed and I don’t even believe in god, I mean really god why would you let all this bad happen over and over again. I prayed just let this tornado kill me just take me away. Well the tornado came destroyed our home but because someone somewhere thought I had not been through enough I lived, Still to this day trying to figure out how. It was an old trailer. The Roof ended up 2 miles away hardly anything made it, but there I stood without a scratch. Was this a joke why couldn’t I just have died? So as you guessed we moved again. This time we moved to an old farmhouse in Dorsey IL. Things were starting to get better I guess I finally figured out how to not piss r off so bad, but still had my moments especially with my grades, I just didn’t care. Things were pretty much the same we were poor, lights got shut off lots. We had a well so I’m sure that’s how we had water. And mom always had a giant garden. Which I was lucky enough to get to do most of the work in because mom was always gone with her job. And R didn’t work. I can’t even remember what I had done now but R told me I had 3 hrs. To get every one of the weeds out of the garden I still remember it would have been 5pm. This like the other punishments of mowing the grass with a push mower without breaks was another one of his favorites. Yes we had three acres. There was times it was so hot I don’t know how I made it.

Anyway back to that day that changed everything for the rest of my life. Mom was at work and I was removing every last weed, R had left which I don’t mind. Well here he comes at 5:15 I wasn’t done so I figured I was in for it. But something was different he wasn’t mad he just said get in the car. I did. As we were going towards Bethalto he kept telling me that since I want to be an adult he was going to show me what being an adult was all about. I figured it was a job or something I was WRONG. He had already been drinking and pulled up to farm fresh in Bethalto and went in and came back out with a bag. He hands it to me and says this is yours. Inside the bag he hands me is a pint of Jack. I have no clue what’s in the bag he kept. I’m like I don’t want this. He tells me you’re going to be an adult start drinking. I cry and he says we were not going home till you drink it. So I start. The first swig makes me puke in the car. R doesn’t care we keep going. We drive all over I am so drunk I am a 13 year old drinking jack with no chasers. I just drank and drank and drank. He had a whole fifth in the bag he kept. When he stopped to get cigs even though I was drunk I didn’t want any more so I poured some out at the store when we stopped. It didn’t help because he had bought more. All I know is I wanted it to be time for us to go get my mom at midnight so she could see what he had done. I can also remember having to puke and he said just roll down the window and puke. I did it was all over the outside of the car he didn’t care. He took me home before going to get my mother. He made sure I was in bed before he left. I was still enough to know I went outside in the front yard on the picnic table. I laid there till my mom got home she was pissed at him for being drunk again. But when she found me they fought. She got me to bed and I didn’t wake up till like noon the next day. Mom took me out for a drive and asked me everything that happened. I told her and was for sure she would wake up. Nope they talked he Lied and said it would never happen again.

It did months later only this time I didn’t puke it was my get away. Until we were on country back roads and R exposed himself and said this is what step daughters do. I cried so much nothing happened. He said if I didn’t want to I didn’t have to. My mother never found out about that one. She did find out the second time. They had been out drinking and came home I was already asleep when they got home. He waited until he thought she was asleep and came up to my room and was naked in my bed. I was crying and he touched me. My mom flung the door open as ask what the fuck he was doing. He acted like he didn’t know it was me. He thought he was in bed with her. We did leave. We went and stayed at my uncles (one of my mom’s brothers). I thought it was over. They wanted to go kill him, but to my horror she defended him. No cops, nothing and we went back. It never happened any more while we lived in that house, but the abuse was worse. He broke the butt to a 22 rifle over the back of my head. He didn’t get away with that one my uncle paid a visit to him over that. But that caused problems between families so no more of that uncle around. R’s brother never came around either. Basically I was on my own. Bruises were just part of life as was stupid punishments. I had no friends except when I was at school. No one ever around but their friends but that didn’t help. 

Well we moved again, this time to cottage hills, and had a nice house finally. The abuse still happened, school didn’t matter that had not changed but life it seemed better. There was no more struggling. Bills were not behind. Mom had a job at Ihop still midnights. But I had learned how to survive. It was better. C had come back he was grown now. I was 13. Him his wife and my niece moved in not for long because C and R didn’t get along. But C did make it to the night that my mom once again found R in my room this time I just was there no tears, nothing. It was like I wasn’t even there. She had seen it, as did C. He beat the hell out of him. Mom’s house got trashed, but deep down inside it was worth it to see R finally beat. I felt bad when R called the police and C went to jail. They did investigate the allegations C had told them, but after both mom and R telling me I had better not say anything I lied, Told them that would never happen. I had become one of them. I even believed myself. After the investigation, I thought my mom had finally come to her senses, we had always left and then came back the next day after their fights. we would stay the night with one of her friends but would always come back. One day she tells me was getting out. She had it worked out when we would leave. It was on a Friday and R was gone for the day I stepped in the door. She said you have five minutes to get your stuff you’re taking. I have never packed so quickly. We loaded my mom’s only few prize possession in to a truck and left. We moved to Vandalia IL, Just me and her. It was great it was like I had my mom back. We found a place to live the next morning after sleeping in the truck that night. For heat we went to Wal-Mart and bought a kerosene heater. We played cards, games, she would do my hair, and we just talked it was great. We were there a month and mom said she had to find a job we were getting low on money. That was fine with me I didn’t care. Two days later we had a knock on the door it was R. I was mortified. He sweet talked her and the following week we were back in cottage hills. She promised it would be different. It was for a while and then it was back to what I become to know as normal. Only I had begun to babysit for a friend of theirs in godfrey so that got me away a lot. I saved all my money for new school clothes I was finally going to get new clothes. I did but R found a way to take that happiness. I screwed up I couldn’t wear them had to where old wool skits like in the fifty’s. I was so embarrassed. New shoes, nope can’t wear those it was back to the old ones. I always made excuses at school. I’m sure I sounded so stupid. So this is what I can get through for day 2. Sorry for going back but felt it was necessary to be able to move forward.As always not looking for any pitty or sympothy just looking to finally tell MY story and to be able to start healing.

Day One, The Start

How to even start this nightmare turned good of what I call my life. Lets start by saying I was born in an IL town called Wood River. My mother was 22 my dad was 25. I was an only child because in my mothers words I raised enough children when I got stuck helping raise her brothers and sisters. Their was 18 of them all together, her mother passed away when she was 18 and her dad was a drunk. Any way mom and dad were together until I was 8. Life was good for me up until then. For my mom and my dads son C not so good. C was always in trouble with dad no matter what, which lead lots of beatings for him. The same was for my mother because she would call him out on sleeping around and about his drug use. I really never received any of this in my first 8 years, I sometimes feel maybe I was spared for the hell I would endure later in life. After they broke it to us that they were splitting up, we moved him one day to a place. Mom worked midnight’s so after we moved him she went to bed.Because mom had been around since C was 5 and had no contact and did not know his mom,mom was his mom and dad said at the time it would be good to leave him there. He did till mom started to drink a lot and began dating the man that would bring so much hate, disbelief, and abuse into my life. After she meet R dad came and took C and I never really seen much of either  of them from that point. When I was 9 R moved in to our home. This had been my home my whole 9 years. We didn’t stay long he moved us out in the middle of no where. We had lived in town it was a small home town, loaded with kids a typical 80’s neighborhood. Now were living out in the country I have no friends, no people around nothing I felt as though my life had ended. He always talked about all these jobs he had and all this money he had made in the past but all I was seeing was someone who drank all the time, hardly ever worked, and found me as his personal abuse person. One afternoon not long after we moved in I was going out the back door of the place we lived at (no I did not consider it home) he grabbed me by the arm  set me up on the dryer and said ” I don’t like you, you are just here because of your mother.” That was the start of hell from there. To make a long story short because I could drag this on into a lifetime movie. Nothing I did was right, grades were never good enough, daily abuse that ranged being beat with a belt, to having bruises and marks on the face to a black eye. Mom was always on his side no matter what,and if they did get into over some of my punishment his so-called apologies was supposed to make it all better.Mom never disciplined me it was always R.She always worked mid nights, I did the house chores right after school, dusting, vacuuming, helping with dinner,dishes, washing drying them and putting them away because straining dishes only made them dirty again according to R. As you may be asking why did nothing ever get done. DCFS was called when they showed up to the house I was still in school. They talked to mom and R and they told them how I was a lier, made it all up and when I got home I got my ass beet again, I never told anyone anything else It wasn’t worth it. We lived at that house about 2 years, moved quiet often when the rent was not paid, lived lots with out power never knew how long I would be at a school. Beatings got worse, mom would get feed up and we would leave for the night maybe 2 and then we were right back same old bullshit just different day. Family never was around. With the few of moms family members she did get along with R would always be fighting with them so that was no help. I felt alone. I’m going to end this story on living in the 5th house I’m about 13-14 at this point. and we have just moved once again were living in another farm house but I did have a friend a corn field away I could go to, but a lot of my time was still spent alone. Up until this time I have had many beatings, a black eye in my 6th grade school pics, another one of his punishments was to chop off my very long hair into a bob. Call me stupid, worthless and so much more. Everything at this point seams to become my fault. I never knew a kid could do so much wrong when trying to walk on eggshells just to get through life. It seemed the more I tried to do right the more I just fucked up. I know I skipped a lot, only because I know I’m not writing a book though there are days I feel I should because it maybe would help with everything I still hold inside. I promise day 2 will be no easier, I am not looking for pity or anything like that. I’m looking at this as a release after all these years. I’m 35 and I feel its time.